Marriage in the days of Covid 19 #2

                                                                                                                        June 26, 2020

Marriage in the days of COVID 19.

A friend recently admitted to me that their marriage was facing new challenges while they were having to be together much more than they were used to.  This seemed to be causing more disagreements in their ever-shrinking apartment. This seems somewhat normal, but it does raise the question about how we might recognize these challenges and work to consider our own shortcomings in the midst of tensions.   

The weak spots and conflict areas are likely exposed and heightened in this pandemic.  I think Katrina and I both feel that this time together has mostly been a real positive thing for our marriage, but we were more used to is as we have been together a great deal in our work in Kenya. However, it has also exposed weaker areas.  For example, as I’ve mentioned before, I’ve recognized that good listening practices have been a challenge for me recently.

I think a major challenge is how couples approach conflict. As a pastor, I’ve met with lots of couples in pre-marital counseling or marriage counseling.  I was always concerned if a couple said they never fought or that they fought at the slightest provocation. In my experience either scenario indicates something was likely amiss relationally.  While we might not prefer to use the term fight, all healthy marriages are going to have conflict in them, many times that conflict resembles fighting.  No matter what we call it, conflict that moves us towards growth is good for us as individuals and as a couple. 

What are some signs that our marital conflict is healthy and helpful or whether it is unproductive or even damaging? I don’t have a mental health degree so these are my observations based on my experience with my own marriage and through walking alongside quite a number of couples. There is so much that could be said about this topic but below are a few questions to get you started thinking.   

1. Are we fighting about the real issue or just a consequence of the issue?   

Sometimes we are not aware of what the real issue is.  Sometimes we are afraid to

tackle the primary issue so we just argue about the by-product of the real issue. This

usually means our arguments don’t get us to a solution.

2. Is my goal to win the argument or to help move us along to resolution?

            If we are honest, I think most of us just want to win.  We want to be right and/or prove

our spouse wrong. What might it look like if we were able to ask ourselves this question in the midst of a blow-up?

3. Who taught you to fight? 

            Was it your parents’ example?  Have you thought about how you respond in an

argument or do you just do what “comes naturally”?  Do your ethics about how you

want to treat your spouse go away during a conflict? Many times, “how” we

disagree raises or lowers the possibility of resolution.  We might be tempted to think

that good people don’t fight so we don’t work on how to disagree or how to be “angry without sinning”.

Take a moment to read through James chapter 3 especially the first 12 verses.  In what ways do these very pointed words relate to you in times of disagreement with your spouse?  What is one personal aspect you would like to work on?

Id be glad to hear your thoughts and experience.  There is much more to talk about here. 

Marriage in the Days of COVID 19 #1

Marriage in times of COVID-19: Growing closer in these challenging times.

I think my hearing has worsened during the pandemic.

I have not read that hearing loss is a symptom of COVID-19 but it would be nice to blame it on something. I can think of reasons that hearing loss might be impacted: It's hard to focus, we are together so much that I don't hear Katrina, and I did have overly enthusiastic wax manufacturing happening in my right ear (true). etc etc.

But a gentle reminder has led me to believe that it might in fact be a "listening" issue more than a hearing issue.

Listening well is a choice. As you probably know listening well builds some good relationship results and prevents some not-so-good results.

1. Good listening tells the other person they are of high value. It is a loving thing to do. It is an important thing to feel heard. (I'm reminded of this as we watch the mess in Minneapolis this week).

2. Good listening prevents or lessens conflicts. No one is a perfect listener but active/intentional listening cuts down on the fights.

3. Good listening deepens relationships by helping us know one another more and more deeply. If you are a good listener, people feel safer sharing more deeply.

These and other benefits might be obvious but I don't always remember to listen closely and give my attention.

What about you? Are you and your partner finding listening to be a challenge? What gets in the way of good listening? What helps you remember to listen well? I'd love to read your thoughts in the comments.

Would you be willing to think about this with me?

It's been years since I have used this forum to write about what is happening with me.  In fact about 6 years. And today's post has nothing really to do with my new life in Africa, except for my reflection on life in the US from a distance and what I have been wrestling with. I want to invite you to help me consider something, to teach me, and to listen to one another. I do much better working in groups so I hope you will pipe in with your thoughts.

The Trump era has fanned to flame the pockets of discontent in our American society. It is now easy to see that this strife was already there bubbling below the surface and in some places spilling over.  I'll admit to being pretty ignorant of all that percolated here and there and for how long and why.  My own bubble was, and to a large degree still is, pretty small. I can't speak for all Americans but I have been pretty surprised at the language and treatment Americans are willing to dole out on one another.  I've been surprised that there is such vitriol spewing everywhere one looks.

My own political and social leanings are informed by a number of things including a fairly monochromatic life in the U.S. Interestingly, I traveled internationally quite a bit.  It is possible that I paid more attention to the cultures of other places than I did to my own.  Of course, my life in Africa has become much more colorful on a number of levels.  I realized recently that I don't really think about my neighbors here as black but as Kenyans.  That is not a bragging point but just a reality. It also means that I am more aware of my minority status here.  But interestingly while I know I stand out in a crowd, get stared at by children, and the contents of my shopping cart get a once-over, I also am beginning to recognize that privilege has followed me here.  It is something I am wrestling with. I don't think my experience here informs me about what it is like to be a racial minority in the US.  Granted I have only been here a short time. Maybe I will write more about that odd tension at some point.

I also live in the reality of a deeply broken world where even my church family had to separate because we could not get along. That is also another story that I am still wrestling deeply with. But it has created a lot of middle of the night angst-which continues to this day.  I feel deeply hurt, embarrassed, and so very sad. I feel rejected and I feel like I was not worth enough for folks to hang in there with me and those who believe like I do.  It has been shattering to my confidence and the whole framework that a lot of my reality was built on.

On to my invitation to you.

I am interested in helping our country find a way forward-probably just a portion of it to start with.  I am interested in the possibility of our Quaker Church being a vessel of peace with our nation(I've seen a bit of that happening here in Kenya). While I am willing to strive and work for a new way forward, I am not willing to kill for it.  I am realistic enough to know that not everyone wants the way of peace nor does everyone want the "kind" of peace I want.  I don't want peace so that "we will just stop fighting". The peace that I long for and that I think exists is a peace that is transformative, redemptive, restorative, and life-giving.

While I long for that transformation to happen, I want to begin with learning or re-learning a framework on which to build.  I need a renewed way to view the issue of our country's discontent, hatred, and fear.  Then I know I need to practice, rehearse, and repeat.

I feel paralyzed at even knowing how to talk about these issues we face.  I feel tossed back and forth by my desire to be right and my desire to see people transformed out of their fear.  Between being so drawn to a way of thinking and seeing the world and being able to really listen to what others believe and think.  I fear that I am going to have a hard time giving up some things that seem so important yet are barriers to my own transformation and ability to speak into these huge problems we face.

So here are some questions I want to ponder and I hope you will offer your own input (or help me know if I am even asking the right questions). I really hope that you will not just offer oversimplified answers.  I also hope my non-religious friends will chime in.  I also won't tolerate unkindness, name calling, and reserve the right to delete comments that I think are harmful.

1.  I am a Christ follower.  I think the healing we need is centered in Christ.  But what does that mean? What is at the center of that?  What is just religious baggage?

2.  What is at the heart of the discontent of our nation?  What has divided us and can you see anything (political, spiritual, etc) that might move us forward? What good signs, if any, do you see? What would be good first steps?

3.  What question should I/We be asking?


   

A tough beginning

Our visit to the Genocide museum was the first thing we did the first morning.  Needless to say we were enveloped in some very graphic words and images. Many difficult things to look at that included pictures of piles of people hacked to death.   From my reading before hand and my visit to the museum it was obvious to see the negative impact of the German then Belgian colonialism.  “The War” or the genocide was not the beginning of conflict but the culmination of decades of practices that were harmful to the social and cultural norms that had allowed Hutu’s, Tutsi’s and Twa to live together for generations prior to European influence that was divisive.  This included the influence of the Catholic Church.  We somehow think that the Africans just began to hate each other one day, when in fact the West had much to do with the conflicts. 

Of course there is never just one force at work in these things.  Lots of forces conspired to create tension and suspicion.  Also interestingly the same kind of Genocide happened in Burundi in the 1970s but with the tribes in the reverse from Rwanda. 

Over 250,000 people are buried at the site of the museum in mass graves.  One striking room is full of pictures of people who were lost along with items of clothes, personal items, and piles of skulls and femur bones.  A section of the museum relates many of the genocides that have happened in history.  Jews in Germany, Bosnia, and the Armenians are a few of these examples.  It is sobering to see what kinds of things humans can do to one another. 

I have yet to meet one Tutsi or Hutu.  The  common and emphasized practice now is to not differentiate between people groups.  All are Rwandans.  I only find kindness, care, and warmth.  Beautiful, striking, and lovely people.  I have been welcomed.  I have found peers in ministry.  I have found a vital church.  That is exactly what I expected to find.  Picturesl 1.  the museum grounds, 2.  Several mass graves, 3. Part of the name wall 

Shawn

Rwanda #3

The real highlight for me this trip has been to listen to former missionaries and EFM leaders who have visited the field a lot.  The history is very rich and full of miracle after miracle.   The danger and risk that is inherent while living in a country that is experiencing war is staggering.  I don’t think we heard half of the stories back home or really understood the depth of peril that the missionaries were in at times.  I am sure that they were trying to forget some of the trauma. 

Gary and Connie Young recounted many stories as we sat around the guest house in the evening or at the breakfast table.  I was struck by the many ways God obviously crafted an unforeseen way out, blinded eyes, or used unexpected relationships to smooth the way forward.  So many times of venturing into the unknown, uncertain about what they would find on the other end. 

Of course this is all centered on the continual message of God’s provision.  The stories make for great drama, but when it is your life on the line, the drama is so secondary.  With the stories came fresh tears,  and the repeated line, “God is faithful”. 

I was joking that my new business venture will be to lead tours of countries with U.S. State Dept. travel advisories.  I have appreciated the stories Matt Macy (Associate Director-EFM) and Dr. John Williams Jr. (Supt.-EFC-ER) have shared about various travels to mission fields.  They seem to have found some interesting and frightening situations, but true to form.  “God is faithful.”  How true.

Do I miss these God stories in my own life day to day?  I am so rarely in such dangerous situations or wondering about the threat around the next corner.  I am thankful for that of course, but it makes me wonder where I am tuning things out? What form does my faithfulness need to take in between those God sightings?  I am reminded that while my own story is very important, it is spiritually renewing to listen to, read and hear the stories of others who have seen God at work.  I feel like I have been immersed in those life-giving stories these past few days. 
Pictures are 1. Connie Young and Doris Ferguson(R) 2.  Gary and Connie Young 3.  Willard Ferguson.  All absolutely loving the time with old friends.

Rwanda #1

Day one,  Tuesday Oct. 9

I got in at 7:30 in the evening on Monday.  The two flights totaled 19 hours in the air.  I got to sit by a new young mother from Uganda-living in the UK.  She had her hands full with a 6 month old.  It took me back to the days of traveling with little ones.  Needless to say I got to hold Nathan quite a number of times.  He was very good and about as cute as they come.  Evening is a great time to arrive when traversing multiple time zones.  You can go to bed soon after arriving, which makes for an easier transition to the new zone-in my opinion.  The down side was I had to wait until morning to see any of the city. 

I found myself not feeling very culturally prepared for the trip.  I had read some about the country and know some of the history of the Friends Church, but as we landed it dawned on me that I was a bit too lassie faire in my mental preparations.  I travel enough that it doesn’t feel that odd to be on long flights surrounded by people speaking other languages.  I can too easily just roll my international experiences into how they are alike and miss how they are unique.  So as I deplaned and walked towards the terminal I reminded myself to listen and observe.   I have to admit I was a bit disappointed in myself for not doing better prep.  This is an observation I need to remember in the future, especially when traveling to places I have been before.  Continued below the pictures.  1. Katie, Kay, Doris, Logan, Rhonda, Michelle, and Janna all from Haviland.  They were there to lead the womans conference.  Several had never been out of the states before.  They seemed to have a blast. 2.  Ron Stansell, Sabino Chipana, Claribela Chipana, Lon Fendall enjoying lunch.  3.  Dr. John and Carol Williams teaching in the marriage seminar for pastors. 4.  One of the pastors couples during the breakout "talk to your spouse" questions.   

Things went smoothly in immigration.  When I mentioned that David Thomas was the contact person in the city, the immigration official told me he knew him.  Hard to say if that was true, David was a bit surprised.   All the bags came and David was there to pick me up.  We waited just a bit and also picked up Sabino Chipana and his daughter Claribela who is able to translate for her father who only speaks Spanish and Aymara.  I enjoyed the ride as David spoke in three languages.  I don’t think David’s son Aren gets to hear him speak much Spanish.

I am staying in a mission house with 6 others.  Dr. John and Carol Williams are here.  Dan Cammack, Matt Macy and Gary and Connie Young all arrive today and will fill out the house quite nicely.  The Thomas family lived here for awhile and I understand that Molly Black will live here when she returns later this fall.  Pictures on the wall show people I know.  There are people like Chrissy Muhr, Molly, Drew Miller, and Johnny Kaye to name a few.  The garden around is beautiful and the weather is warm but muggy. 

Shawn

A Funny Thing Happend On The Way To La Paz

Really I am not the one to tell this, but no hands shot up when I asked for volunteers.  I will try to be concise but this thing was some of a miracle.....

We headed out from Illave towards La Paz.  Our bus had been late and our group was pretty tired.  Our stop in Copacabana had to be very brief-we had hoped to sit down to lunch.  But we made the switch to a new bus and off we went.  Less than an hour into the journey we were halted by a town full of people sitting in the road.  We could go no where-though we felt like we are already there-the middle of nowhere(albeit beautiful).  Large rocks, a community picnic, and the lack of side streets made stopping seem like a good idea.

People eventually got off the bus.  Some of our group and people from other busses cautiously wandered down to the blockade.  Unsure of the volatility I did the smart thing.  I let Ken and Bill go.  When Bill returned 45 minutes later he told a interesting story.

The protest was about the improper arrest of a 67 yr old pastor...a Friends pastor-one of our folks.  He had been accused of abusing a 15 yr old girl.  The long list of mis-steps by the Peruvian police (we were in Bolivia??), the lack of an actual accusation(the girl was in school at the time of the alleged attack), and the fact that the whole town seemed to consider this a falsehood became clear as the town tried to gain a voice on this mans behalf.   He had apparently been beaten by police until he signed a confession.  Of course we only heard these things second hand and I never want to disregard victims-especially those who are underage.  So determining guilt or innocence is not our place-but wow it was the whole town-with the catholic mayor leading the charge.

They could not get the local authorities to come do an investigation, no one had been interviewed including the alleged victim, no one would listen.  The group wanted  to get the attention of local authorities on this mans behalf.  So instead of making threats or whining a peaceful protest was formed.

As people from the busses came towards the protest the protestors offered them lunch.  It was interesting to watch frustrated travelers fume and spout while the protestors offered bread.  While Ken Comfort was chatting he began to realize that some of these folks knew his parents from the days when they lived nearby.  Ken was a child.  He became an honored guest and while we don't know for sure, we think these relationships helped sway the protestors to let us through(thanks Gene and Betty!!).  His knowing some Aymara certainly didn't hurt.

So in the end the protestors did what all reasonable people do.....they had a business meeting....in the middle of the road.  The town leaders began by reading the charges against the man, and followed it with their own demands for the situation-mostly a fair and thorough investigation.  They allowed any who wanted to speak to do so-this included bus drivers, townspeople, and Ken.  It was orderly and open.  It seemed that good listening occurred, people were patient, respectful and everyone got their turn.

There were pleas to let people go through-especially since there were no facilities or food.  Several folks were suffering with the altitude, using canes, or had asthma.  Some said they should have warned the folks on both ends prior to the protest.  The conversations swayed back and forth.  It looked hopeful then didn't-back and forth.  At first just our bus and one other was going to be allowed through.  I was praying- we were not sure when this would end up.

In the end several of the women sitting there got up and spoke quietly to the mayor, in that instant everything seemed to change.  They huddled and declared that there would by a 5 minute window for vehicles to pass then it would close again indefinitely and that people should not expect it to open until they were satisfied.  No excuses would prompt them to allow people through.  People raced for their vehicles, a few of our folks stopped to thank the city leadership.

This was really incredible.  I was reminded of just how important relationships are.  I was excited to watch good peaceful, well organized demonstrating happening.  Several of us felt badly for dislodging the protest even for 5 minutes.  We wanted to join in standing shoulder to shoulder with these brothers and sisters.  Had we not had commitments and some folks not feeling well we just might have.  It was sure a buzz in our group for a couple of days.

Others may choose to comment and clarify if I got it wrong or add their perspective.
Shawn