Marriage in the days of Covid 19 #2

                                                                                                                        June 26, 2020

Marriage in the days of COVID 19.

A friend recently admitted to me that their marriage was facing new challenges while they were having to be together much more than they were used to.  This seemed to be causing more disagreements in their ever-shrinking apartment. This seems somewhat normal, but it does raise the question about how we might recognize these challenges and work to consider our own shortcomings in the midst of tensions.   

The weak spots and conflict areas are likely exposed and heightened in this pandemic.  I think Katrina and I both feel that this time together has mostly been a real positive thing for our marriage, but we were more used to is as we have been together a great deal in our work in Kenya. However, it has also exposed weaker areas.  For example, as I’ve mentioned before, I’ve recognized that good listening practices have been a challenge for me recently.

I think a major challenge is how couples approach conflict. As a pastor, I’ve met with lots of couples in pre-marital counseling or marriage counseling.  I was always concerned if a couple said they never fought or that they fought at the slightest provocation. In my experience either scenario indicates something was likely amiss relationally.  While we might not prefer to use the term fight, all healthy marriages are going to have conflict in them, many times that conflict resembles fighting.  No matter what we call it, conflict that moves us towards growth is good for us as individuals and as a couple. 

What are some signs that our marital conflict is healthy and helpful or whether it is unproductive or even damaging? I don’t have a mental health degree so these are my observations based on my experience with my own marriage and through walking alongside quite a number of couples. There is so much that could be said about this topic but below are a few questions to get you started thinking.   

1. Are we fighting about the real issue or just a consequence of the issue?   

Sometimes we are not aware of what the real issue is.  Sometimes we are afraid to

tackle the primary issue so we just argue about the by-product of the real issue. This

usually means our arguments don’t get us to a solution.

2. Is my goal to win the argument or to help move us along to resolution?

            If we are honest, I think most of us just want to win.  We want to be right and/or prove

our spouse wrong. What might it look like if we were able to ask ourselves this question in the midst of a blow-up?

3. Who taught you to fight? 

            Was it your parents’ example?  Have you thought about how you respond in an

argument or do you just do what “comes naturally”?  Do your ethics about how you

want to treat your spouse go away during a conflict? Many times, “how” we

disagree raises or lowers the possibility of resolution.  We might be tempted to think

that good people don’t fight so we don’t work on how to disagree or how to be “angry without sinning”.

Take a moment to read through James chapter 3 especially the first 12 verses.  In what ways do these very pointed words relate to you in times of disagreement with your spouse?  What is one personal aspect you would like to work on?

Id be glad to hear your thoughts and experience.  There is much more to talk about here. 

Marriage in the Days of COVID 19 #1

Marriage in times of COVID-19: Growing closer in these challenging times.

I think my hearing has worsened during the pandemic.

I have not read that hearing loss is a symptom of COVID-19 but it would be nice to blame it on something. I can think of reasons that hearing loss might be impacted: It's hard to focus, we are together so much that I don't hear Katrina, and I did have overly enthusiastic wax manufacturing happening in my right ear (true). etc etc.

But a gentle reminder has led me to believe that it might in fact be a "listening" issue more than a hearing issue.

Listening well is a choice. As you probably know listening well builds some good relationship results and prevents some not-so-good results.

1. Good listening tells the other person they are of high value. It is a loving thing to do. It is an important thing to feel heard. (I'm reminded of this as we watch the mess in Minneapolis this week).

2. Good listening prevents or lessens conflicts. No one is a perfect listener but active/intentional listening cuts down on the fights.

3. Good listening deepens relationships by helping us know one another more and more deeply. If you are a good listener, people feel safer sharing more deeply.

These and other benefits might be obvious but I don't always remember to listen closely and give my attention.

What about you? Are you and your partner finding listening to be a challenge? What gets in the way of good listening? What helps you remember to listen well? I'd love to read your thoughts in the comments.